PEPIN, WI — Local man Robert Thurdriftle took the day off work to tackle some of the 74 different things he had to do but, after puzzling about what to do first, eventually settled on doing nothing.
"Sorry, I can't talk now! Got lots to do!" Thurdriftle told neighbors before sitting down on the couch to binge-watch old episodes of Home Improvement.
One local expert theorized that Thurdriftle may have been so overwhelmed with his duties that he couldn't function. "We call it being melodramatic," he said. "Many losers suffer from it. This is a particularly terrible case."
At publishing time, Thurdriftle still had to paint his house, re-shingle the roof, mow the lawn, pick up his kids from school, buy his wife an anniversary gift, become a baker, call his doctor, build a pond, buy some milk, replace the burned out bulb in the hallway, turn the light switch rightside up, organize the tool shed, help Harry with his homework, paint the kid's room, move the fridge three inches, take out the trash, take out the recycling, throw out the failed compost pile, shred junk mail, balance the budget, research the best route to Yellowstone, send a letter to Kevin Costner, pay the phone bill, eat a cactus, develop a small town with his friend Destro, solve nuclear fusion, go to the locksmith, go to the drug store, take kids to soccer practice, get the oil changed in the pickup, get the transmission changed in the sedan, go to the gas station, buy a lotto ticket, feed the lizard, search the internet for a phone deal that doesn't exist, pick up lumber for the cabinet project, build the cabinet, have winter tires installed, call the plumber, ask Jezebel what's for dinner, read Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six for the book club, look up what "comsat" means, go hunting with Frank, hide the body, hang a shelf in the closet, finish reading book on feng shui, return the book because it has nothing to do with martial arts, move the dresser against the south wall, cut down the tree that killed his father, visit mom, call the TV repairman, pick up dry cleaning, meet with lawyers about stolen intellectual property, buy a new hammer, solve the mystery of the missing clock, open the chest of dreams, build a rope swing for the kids, decontaminate hyperbaric chamber, plan surprise party, call Liz about the cake, pick up pepto bismol, clean hamster cage, walk the dog, trim hedges, buy a new tool box, reconfigure the donut matrix, write wife a love letter, take John to karate, weave a blanket, go antiquing, eat secret dinner before real dinner, oil the front gate, call Charles about fence dispute, and throw out the old couch.
Experts believe he will commit to tackling his list after finishing season three of Home Improvement.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
