LOS ANGELES, CA — Amid plunging stock price, unprofitable streaming, and a business model intensely focused on sexualizing children as young as possible, Bob Chapek has been ousted from Disney and replaced with former CEO Bob Iger.
In his first public statement regarding the change, Iger promised to make Disney's child-grooming practices slightly less noticeable to the public.
"Here at Disney, we will continue to prey on the hearts, minds, and bodies of young children, which is one of our core values," said Iger to a crowd full of reporters and Hollywood degenerates. "But now, we will be slightly less 'in-your-face' about it. It's time to return to the subliminal messaging of the 90s that so successfully estranged millions of kids from the wisdom and protection of their loving parents! That worked wonders!"
"Also, I have hair, unlike Chapek, who was bald. So that's another improvement."
Iger also teased 12 more seasons of She-Hulk and 32 more Baby Yoda spinoff shows, much to the delight of several fans.
At publishing time, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis had challenged Iger to a duel to the death at the top of Epcot's Spaceship Earth.
Should you get your kid the new iPhone 14? Of course.