SOUTHBRIDGE, MA — Local man Edgar Ramirez had finally had enough of feeling terrible all the time from doing nothing but lying around all day or sitting on the computer - so he finally decided to take up running every day, so that he could feel a different kind of terrible all the time.
"It's pretty great," Ramirez told reporters as he collapsed against a tree marking the third mile of his run/jog/walk this morning. "I used to feel so crummy all the time. Now that I took up running, I feel a slightly different kind of crummy all the time."
"The trade was totally worth it."
According to sources close to the 36-year-old construction sales representative, Ramirez no longer has a general sense of malaise and depression thanks to exercise. Now, his lower back, calves, and thighs ache for nearly half the day, and he can barely walk after his morning run. When he decides to go to the gym and lift, he feels "a deep burn" and can barely open his car door or pick up an Amazon box for up to three days afterward. "Before, I felt awful. Now, I feel awful, but in a good way, I guess."
"Welp, back at it," he added before slowly jogging off, shaking his fist at God and the world.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
