MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Local leprechaun, pot o' gold enthusiast, and all-around jokester Leery O'Canahan had been excited for St. Patrick's Day for months. "It's like our Super Bowl," O'Canahan told reporters. "Without the weird halftime shows."
But this year it's not all drinking and shenanigans for this leprechaun. He'd entrusted all his pots of gold to Silicon Valley Bank after the investment strategy was recommended to him by Jim Cramer on Mad Money. As his deposits were worth far more than the FDIC-insured $250,000, it's now unclear if he'll ever get his money back.
"It seemed like a sure bet - but now I've got nothin', laddy boy! Nothin', I say! Teeheeheehee!" He then did a little Irish jig, but you could tell his heart wasn't in it.
When the first end-of-the-rainbow seekers showed up this year, O'Canahan had to turn them away empty-handed. "Sorry, laddy boy, ol' O'Canahan's got nothin' for ya this year, ya see? The Silicon Valley Bank squandered me gold! I'm in ruins, see? Ruins! Curse me unlucky charms!"
At publishing time, O'Canahan had used what little cash he had left to invest in something more secure: Trump NFTs.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.