IRELAND — Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, expressed great pride that he was able to bring Christianity to the Anglo-Saxons so their descendants could commemorate it each year by gathering in mobs, get fall-down, hammered drunk, and commit various acts of aggravated assault on each other on March 17.
"It really makes all of the hard work and sacrifice all worth it," Patrick said when reached posthumously for comment on the holiday named after him. "I really risked life and limb to preach the gospel to an entire nation populated by bloodthirsty, pagan barbarians. It's a real relief to see their descendants spend every March 17 getting three sheets to the wind and ending up in jail. Warms my heart!"
Patrick went down in history as the man widely recognized for Christianizing the Picts and Anglo-Saxon people, a feat now celebrated by everyone dressing as fictional leprechaun characters, pinching anyone who forgets to wear green clothing, and becoming insanely intoxicated. Now, several centuries after his death, St. Patrick looks back on his life's work philosophically. "I guess being known as the guy with the clovers is just as good," he said. "It's better than not being remembered for anything, right?"
Historians said it could be worse. "Patrick should be thankful he's not St. Valentine," said Professor Blake Rumsey of the Historical Figures Think Tank at Cambridge University. "That dude was beaten with clubs and rocks and then beheaded."
At publishing time, Patrick was last seen shaking his head and rolling his eyes as he watched roving gangs of drunk millennials committing horrible crimes while shouting "Happy St. Patrick's Day! Wooo!"
BIG NEWS: We made a movie, and you can watch the trailer NOW: