WASHINGTON, D.C. — With a hard-set face betrayed by tears, President Donald Trump was seen taking Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem out back behind the White House woodshed.
Noem, who was on Thursday dismissed from her position as DHS Secretary in favor of Senator Markwayne Mullin, was moved into the role of Special Envoy for The Shield of the Americas — which is coincidentally the official name of the woodshed behind the White House where Trump took her.
"It's my responsibility," was all Trump was heard saying. "She was my cabinet member. I'll do it."
"Do what, Mr. President?" asked a Fox News reporter. "And why are you holding that shotgun?"
Shortly after the pair disappeared, journalists reported hearing the lone crack of a gunshot ring out through the air. Birds scattered, and the world seemed to almost stand still as the press pool waited for them to re-emerge from behind the shed to explain what had taken place. But only Trump reappeared.
"She's served us well, but she's off to be a Special Envoy at a farm upstate," Trump said. "It's sad. Very sad. These things happen. Difficult decisions have to be made. I'm not happy about it, believe. me. But life goes on. For most of us, anyway."
At publishing time, Trump's approval rating among dogs had already risen by fifty points.
The Iranian government has officially announced a new Supreme Leader.
