JORDAN — In what has been hailed as a landmark day for Bible history buffs, archeologists have announced the discovery of the steel cage where Jacob wrestled with God, as chronicled in the book of Genesis.
"This is the site of one of the greatest matches of all time!" exclaimed Professor Cliff Martin of the International Institute for Biblical Discovery after the cage was found during an excavation along the eastern bank of the Jordan River. "Our earliest texts indicate it was the long-awaited main event of a huge card shown throughout Canaan, exclusively on pay-per-view."
Scholars believe tensions had been building for months for the grudge match, with God challenging Jacob to a steel cage match to keep the notorious con artist from running away. "Jacob had been ducking God for so long," wrestling historian Jonathan Hughes said. "The only way to settle it once and for all was within the confines of a steel cage. Such a spectacular event!"
The match eventually went to a draw, being called as the sun began to rise the following morning. Jacob suffered a dislocated hip in the battle after getting trapped in God's patented spinning grapevine leglock, an injury that would plague him for the rest of his wrestling career.
At publishing time, the archeologists were already planning to make further excavations in the region that was once the hill country of Seir, where they hoped to find evidence of Jacob's no-holds-barred, no-disqualification, falls-count-anywhere, first blood match against his twin brother Esau.
By now the whole internet has heard Ben Shapiro rapping, but did you know that there are actually two more verses they cut out of the track?