GARY, IN — A local construction worker was relieved to hear that his money will be used to bail out failing banks used by billionaire elites, despite the fact that he is having a hard time paying his utility bills and putting food on his family's table.
"The grocery store bills keep getting bigger and bigger, but I sure am glad I can pay for these bankers to get out of trouble," said Owen Gaffney on his 30-minute lunch break during his 12-hour shift at the construction site. "I've got a stressed-out wife and four little kids at home who need to be taken care of, but hey, at least Silicon Valley Bank deposits will be secured, right?"
Gaffney's sacrifice continues the time-honored American tradition of passing the financial burden left by the mistakes of banks, billionaires, and huge corporations onto everyday taxpayers across the country. "Our nation learned a very powerful lesson back in 2008," said historian and economist Christopher Merriott, "and that lesson is that government institutions and corporations can make horrific decisions and the taxpayers will bail them out. God Bless America!"
Gaffney said he'll continue to do his part. "Hey, I'm all for helping people out when they're having a hard time," he said. "I'm sure those banks will be there for me and my family when we can't afford to eat or pay our water bill, right? Right? I'm actually asking."
At publishing time, CEOs of major financial institutions and companies were all gathering at a top-secret meeting to determine what stupid moves they could make next since their actions have no real consequences.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
