WASHINGTON, D.C. — There are moments in history when our nation's elected leaders have had to truly prove their worth during trying times. Today, just such a moment occurred, when members of Congress somberly paused sending all of our tax dollars to Ukraine so they could send them to Silicon Valley Bank instead.
"Think of the poor billionaire tech entrepreneurs," said one member of Congress while replacing his lapel's Ukraine pin with a Google logo pin. "We ask that our brothers-in-arms at Lockheed-Martin bear with us until we push this tax hike through while acting like we don't want to push it through."
Mainstream media criticized the move to bail out an industry rife with corruption and waste, arguing American taxpayer dollars could be better spent on NPR's payroll, spying on parents, an illegal immigrant tram, gain-of-function research into Ebola, or Ukraine.
At publishing time, the first bailout check had arrived at the office of newly-hired Big Tech CEO Volodymyr Zelensky.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
