NEW YORK, NY — Beloved Football superstar Colin Kaepernick has announced he will be suing his white parents for the cruel act of adopting him into a white family without his consent. Kaepernick's legal team announced he is seeking $21 million in reparations from the couple.
"The damage done to our client by growing up in a loving household under two white parents is incalculable," said Attorney Jim Grifton outside the law offices of Grifton & Grift, LLC to members of the press. "Having a present father, living in the suburbs, and being kept safe from gang violence deprived him of the black American experience to which his skin color entitles him. We demand his parents pay the reparations they owe him as white oppressors.
Kaepernick's parents have yet to comment, having supported his stands for racial justice as well as the first 18 years of his life, but insiders say they are struggling with his public denouncement of their parenting. "Rick and Teresa will continue to be supportive of their son but are surprised he would sue them for their mistakes, or seek more reparations when they gave him a weekly reparation of $20 his entire young life," said friends of the family.
At publishing time, Colin Kaepernick had announced a new book addressing the racist and insensitive foods his mother cooked for him. A slot has already been reserved on the New York Times bestseller list during the release week.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
