AFTERLIFE - According to sources in the afterlife, local man Warren Peterson encountered his creator after dying this afternoon.

Confronted by the infinite holiness of God, Peterson felt the guilt and shame of his sins washing over him, realizing with a sense of dread how he had rejected Christ and willfully rebelled against his Creator.

But then, Peterson got an idea. He quickly began explaining to God just how bad the other party was so he could get off the hook.

"I know I'm complicit in a lot of evil, God, but have you seen what the other guys were doing?" he said. "Man, they were doing a LOT of bad stuff. Really offensive to Your holiness. I bet you're pretty glad I was there to stop them." Peterson explained how he had a choice between caging kids and killing babies and so he just settled for what he felt was "the lesser of two evils."

"I mean, you gotta admit, it was a tough call," he said, shrugging. "Classic Catch 22. Hehehe." He chuckled nervously to fill the awkward silence.

"Anyway, I'll just slip on through the Pearly Gates, then, Lord?"

"Lord, Lord?"