FAYETTEVILLE, AR — Local man Alan Roddick skipped church this morning to go out for a nice brunch and spent the whole meal secretly judging all the heathens at the restaurant who don't go to church.
"I can't believe how packed this restaurant is during the church hour. It just shows you how messed up people's priorities are," said Mr. Roddick, shaking his head. "You look how many people aren't setting foot in God's house, and well, it's no wonder America is going downhill!"
Mr. Roddick had planned on going to church this morning, but the pay-per-view fight went pretty late last night. "I had already paid for the fight, so I had to stay up," explained Mr. Roddick. "And we finished off the beer in the fridge with two hours' worth of fights still left, so we had to switch to whiskey. So, I really had to make an exception and skip church today for a massive brunch."
Next to Mr. Roddick sat a group of hungover millennials in workout clothes who clearly had no intention of going to church. "It's really sad to see young people wasting their lives in debauchery like that. They probably don't even know it's the Lord's Day," said Mr. Roddick. "And it's even more disappointing to see families here with their children. Don't they know what path they are putting kids on by not raising them in church? I'm sure glad my parents raised me right."
At publishing time, Mr. Roddick had decided to go to an evening service after reading this startling report.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
