BALDWIN PARK, CA—According to shocked witnesses at a local In-N-Out Burger location, first-time patron Kyle Dedson was immediately translated into heaven upon his first bite of a Double-Double burger Monday.
Dedson was reportedly visiting Southern California from his home state of Michigan for the first time, and was unprepared for the rapture that awaited his taste buds—and his entire body and soul—upon consuming the glorious culinary creation.
“He took a few sips of his shake and then gobbled up a few fries, and it seemed like he was doing okay,” Dedson’s friend Gary told reporters. “But once he started in on the burger, a look of sublime, blessed assurance crossed his face, and he was no more—just like that.”
Dedson left a crumpled up overcoat, T-shirt, pair of pants, and shoes where his body once was, prompting In-N-Out workers to quickly and happily come clean the table and dispose of his earthly belongings.
“We’re trained to deal with this kind of thing,” cashier Paul Martinez said as he cheerily worked through a line of several dozen customers going out the door. “We get two or three cases like this a month, usually from East Coasters or Midwesterners that don’t know what they’re getting into.”
Theologians have previously noted the phenomenon, but are reportedly divided on whether the miraculous taking up of believers who consume the heavenly West Coast fast-food burgers is due to their taste or the Bible verse references printed on the bottom of the packaging.
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