PASADENA, CA — Local man Brad Bauer was reportedly very proud that he hadn't even sinned once all day so far. The elated feeling lasted until he realized at 11:42 AM that his pernicious pride in thinking that he was living a perfect day and making God happy with his perfect performance under his own willpower was in fact a sin and now he's back to square one again.
"Doo doo-to-doo, I am just totally crushing it today," thought Brad self-righteously as he merrily went through his morning routine. "I haven't looked at porn and I've been nice to everyone today. I haven't sinned once! Way to go, me! I'm doing awesome. Oh wait, there's that pride again. Crap."
"Welp, so much for that," said Brad as he stared into the abyss that was the totally depraved nature of his own heart which is a perpetual forge of idols and deceitful above all things. "Oh wretched man that I am! Who shall save me from this sinful existence? Maybe if I try harder I can go longer next time not sinning — oh wait, there it is again!"
At publishing time, Brad Bauer was trying to analyze his own performance since 12:37 PM and briefly thought for a moment that he was totally crushing it again.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
