CAMBRIDGE, MA — The President of Harvard University, Claudine Gay, announced today that the university has installed Jew detectors at all entrances.
"This is a step in the right direction," President Gay told reporters. "It might not be the last step. We are always looking for a final solution to the Jewish problem on campus."
The move to install Jew detectors at all entrances comes amidst a wave of anti-semitic attacks on campus. The hope in using the detector system is that, once detected, Jewish students can be safely concentrated away in a location or camp where they will be free to be Jewish away from the other students.
The detectors, which claim to be capable of detecting a Jew with 99.99% accuracy, are designed to pick up the most blatant Zionism, basic ethnic markers, and even the slightest trace of disgust over the targeted murder and kidnapping of children for the noble cause of freeing Palestine.
"The Jew detector systems we have installed show our resolve in tackling bigotry and keeping everybody safe while maintaining our commitment to free expression and tolerance," Gay said in her announcement.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.