Husband Hospitalized After Being Crushed By Avalanche Of Wife's Bottles Falling From Shower Shelf
Family · Nov 7, 2023 ·

PARKVILLE, MO — A rescue team was able to locate and extract a local man who had been buried after inadvertently triggering a massive avalanche of his wife's bottles from a shelf in the shower. A fire department spokesman, however, said the man remains hospitalized.

"I wish we could say this is a rare occurrence," said firefighter Daniel Purtle. "Unfortunately, it's frighteningly common. A man is taking a shower, he reaches up to try to get his shampoo from the very back of the shower shelf, and he unintentionally causes all of his wife's shower products to fall. It's a dangerous, and often deadly, scenario. Luckily, we were able to get to him in time."

The victim, identified as Dallas Falkinburg, was said to be in critical but stable condition at a local hospital. "He sustained significant injuries from the sheer weight of the massive number of bottles that came tumbling down from the shelf," Purtle said. "Thus far, we've found 78 different bottles of shampoos, conditioners, body washes, face scrubs, and other unidentified substances. It is unclear as of yet just what all of these items are for or how often they are used."

The man's wife, Kimberly, defended maintaining the collection of shower products. "Oh, I totally need them," she said. "They're all important and they all have a specific use. Obviously, I'm concerned about my husband, but there's no way I can reduce the number of bottles. Sorry."

At publishing time, Kimberly was reportedly placing all of the bottles back on the shower shelf in a specific configuration, paying special attention to placing her husband's shampoo and body wash as far in the back as possible.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.

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