CHARLESTOWN, RI - Local father of two Bradley Carson was horrified, shocked, offended, and aggrieved Sunday as his family gave him several racist symbols for Father's Day, the kids and his wife each having given him a noose.

"I was literally shaking," Carson, a white progressive, said. "It was a clear message, plain and simple: we hate you because of your skin color. Well, I mean, not my skin color. But I'm offended on behalf of some people somewhere who might have been offended by this."

Carson called the FBI to investigate. After a thorough search of his house, they determined the nooses were actually neckties and that he had several dozen of them in his closet. Carson is standing by his story, though, saying, "I know a noose when I see one. This was a loop that goes around a human's neck for no other purpose than to send a racist dog whistle to my oppressors."

"It is literally violence."

The man later fainted from shock while tying his shoes.