RURAL IDAHO—Local prepper Chris Van Horn told reporters over his emergency short-wave radio Friday that he has been waiting for the looming conflict with North Korea his entire life.
The man gets more and more excited with each passing tweet from President Trump and ominous rebuttal from Kim Jong-un, sources confirmed.
“It’s happening! It’s finally happening!” he said using morse code from the safety of his underground bunker. “I wonder if I’ve got enough beans. I’ve got to run to the store and pick up another 200 pounds of beans.”
Van Horn has spent the past 15 years of his life designing and installing a fallout shelter 30 feet under his ranch in rural Idaho, and is always disappointed when an apparent nuclear standoff fails to materialize or is resolved through diplomatic means.
“I was heartbroken when the Berlin Wall fell,” he said. “I didn’t think we’d ever get a chance to go toe-to-toe with a country packing nukes, so I’ve been rooting for the Democratic People’s Republic in recent years.”
The man further stated he “just had a feeling this was it” when Trump was elected president, and he put the finishing touches on his survival bunker and made sure his stockpiles of arms, food, water, and survival equipment were all topped off.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that Van Horn has collected over 100,000 bottle caps, in hopes that they will represent the currency of the new world order in the post-apocalyptic wasteland that is almost upon us.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.