U.S. — The fires currently burning inside the nation's dumpsters spoke out publicly on Tuesday to condemn their being compared to the Boston Red Sox.
The flaming trash containers sought to distance themselves from the Red Sox after several commentators drew the comparison following the club's latest loss to the Colorado Rockies.
"We're not that awful, and to suggest otherwise is frankly hurtful," said a burning Waste Management dumpster in Springfield. "I am proud to be a smoldering heap of dirty refuse, and categorically reject any and all connections made between us and the awfulness that is the Boston Red Sox. We have feelings too, you know. Please refrain from such cruel metaphors."
The hosts of MLB Tonight issued an apology to the nation's dumpster fires over their callous remarks. "We are deeply sorry and offer a heartfelt apology to the blazing trash bins that we offended," said Greg Amsinger. "No pile of rubbish deserves to be compared to the Red Sox. My comments were inaccurate and uncalled for, and I hope with time to win back the trust of our nation's dumpster fires."
At publishing time, steaming piles of poo had also issued calls to distance themselves from the abomination that is the Boston Red Sox.
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