TULSA, OK — Local cat owner Melissa Darst bent down this morning to pat and praise her kitty, Bella, briefly interrupting Bella's plotting of her owner's violent death.
"Aw, who's a good kitty?" asked Darst, as Bella pondered how to best trip her owner onto a pile of knives. "Aren't you just the sweetest?"
Bella purred in response, considering how she might use her owner's pathetic affection to lure her into mortal danger. "I'm going to murder you — but how?" wondered Bella, as she leaned into Darst's palm. "Poison or electrocution? One flick of my paw to send the curling iron into the bathtub is all it would take. Crushed to death by a wardrobe? Ah, there are so many ways to put an end to you. Patience, Bella. Her time will come."
Darst reportedly brought Bella home six months ago, and had come to love the way her kitten watches her attentively. "I always wonder what she's thinking," said Darst, cooking dinner as Bella stared into her soul. "Sometimes I even wake up in the middle of the night, and she's still just sitting there looking at me. It's so cute how she wants to keep such a close eye on me."
At publishing time, Bella had temporarily postponed a particularly promising murder plot after becoming distracted by a sunbeam on the living room floor.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
