U.S. — Before allowing customers to fill up with gas, pumps will now ask about a potential car wash, rewards membership, fuel additives, and the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.
Oil companies confirmed that customers who fail to answer all of the questions will be immediately cast into the Gorge of Death.
"Who would fill their car with gas, must answer e'ry query I ask," announced an updated pump to local man Gene Billings. "Ere the next road he pass. Do... you want a car wash?"
"No, I'm good," responded Billings.
"What... is your rewards membership number?"
"I don't have one, thanks," said Billings.
"Would... you like an additive to improve your fuel efficiency?"
"No, those don't work. Can't I just get some gas?" asked Billings.
"What... is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
"What do you mean? African or European?" responded Billings.
At publishing time, local media had reported a fiery explosion as witnesses reported a gas pump being launched into the Gorge of Death.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
