WORLD—The latest data on the spread of the coronavirus has come in, and the results are clear: 100% of the earth is still under God's dominion.
"We've analyzed the numbers, and the one pattern that's emerging here is that 100% of human beings are still in the loving hands of their Creator," said a spokesperson for the CDC. "Christ created the world and holds the universe together by the power of His will. In Him all things hold together."
"The evidence is undeniable at this point."
Remarkably, this data is very similar to researchers' findings during the Fall of Rome, Black Plague, Holocaust, Spanish flu, swine flu, bird flu, and every other time of turmoil humanity has faced. No matter what the specific plague or time of suffering, research has always pointed to the fact that God is sovereign and bends the thread of history to His will for His glory.
A connection was also found between placing your faith in Christ and not having to worry about death by coronavirus or any other kind of death, as we are destined for another world.
"He sees the sparrow and clothes the lilies of the field, so why do you freak out?"
"And seriously, stop buying all the toilet paper!"