WASHINGTON, D.C. — A dedicated mall enthusiast was left severely disappointed this week after a long-awaited trip to the National Mall failed to live up to expectations, with the visitor shocked to discover the lack of any of his favorite stores.

"Where's the Hot Topic?!" exclaimed John DeBerger when he arrived at the National Mall. "And what about Auntie Anne's pretzels? No Cinnabon?! Are you kidding me?! This is the lamest mall I've ever seen!"

DeBerger has been an avid mall attendee since his childhood when malls were actually popular and served a purpose. "There's nothing like a good mall," he said wistfully. "You can go in through the Macy's entrance and get randomly sprayed with various perfumes and colognes, eat subpar lunch at the food court, and you might even be lucky enough to get stopped by some stranger with a clipboard to take a weird survey! It's great!"

Thinking the National Mall must be the greatest of all malls, DeBerger planned a trip to the nation's capital. It was not what he expected. "It's just grass," he said. "Like, a ton of grass. Literally no shops anywhere. Just grass. How is this a mall, anyway?"

DeBerger spent the rest of the day wandering aimlessly around the mall hoping to discover any kiosks selling overpriced cell phone accessories or sunglasses.

At publishing time, witnesses had heard DeBerger vowing to start gathering signatures for a petition to have the federal government at least construct an Orange Julius location at the National Mall.

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