WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of his administration's top priority, President Joe Biden has vowed to eliminate all junk fees, though he clarified that his customary "10% for the Big Guy" fee will remain in place for all bribes and kickbacks.
"Listen here, folks," Biden slurred as the announcement was made, "We're going to get rid of all these junk fees! The biggest problem facing the American people every day is being gouged by hotel and resort junk fees. I'm telling these places charging junk fees — stop it!"
When asked by a reporter if the reduction of fees includes waiving the "10% for the Big Guy" fee, Biden was quick to clarify. "Absolutely not," he said. "My fee will stay in effect for all illegal transactions. Weakening national security and doing favors for foreign interests comes at a price, and that includes 10% for the Big Guy. Nargonnindargit!"
Questions have arisen about whether there are more important issues facing the nation than junk fees. "I'm having trouble buying groceries for my family," said frustrated citizen Phil Brooks. "Going on a vacation or staying in a hotel isn't even an option at this point. What do I care about junk fees?"
The administration remains committed to making this the centerpiece of its platform. "The President knows all Americans are focused on junk fees," said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is a woman of color who is also a lesbian. "He will not stop until junk fees are a thing of the past, no matter how many other horrible things happen in the country."
At publishing time, word had arrived that the remaining American citizens stranded in Afghanistan are relieved Biden is prioritizing junk fees.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
