LONDON — In his first official royal decree, King Charles has replaced Meghan and Harry in the line of succession with two of the late Queen's corgis.

"Fluffy here shall immediately assume the title of Duke," said Charles, presenting the corgi with a scepter. "There now! Who's a good future King of England?"

The nation of England erupted into celebration upon hearing the news. "After the sadness of the past week, it feels good to have something to be happy about," said citizen Gerald Funderburk. "The thought of the monarchy falling into the hands of Harry or Meghan, those blithering idiots…we can all rest a little easier tonight knowing the kingdom will be in good hands. Or paws."

Although the King's move is unusual, historians say it is not without precedent. "Few people recall that Henry the Eighth actually made his pet goat sixth in line for the throne," said history professor Benjamin York. "He had so many wives and children that he lost count of how to list them. He was also very, very fond of his goat Alfred."

At publishing time, Meghan Markle had responded with her daily tradition of calling everyone in her family racist.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.