CHARLOTTE, NC — Local housewife Shawna Coleman worked diligently all afternoon cleaning every baseboard in the house, intent that her home would look tidy if the FBI dropped in for a raid.
"I would be so humiliated if special agents searched my home and found it full of dust," said Mrs. Coleman. "And what if they published pictures of my floors in the Washington Post? I better run the vacuum again."
Having once attended a school board meeting, Mrs. Coleman figures a raid on her home is only a matter of time. "I have started setting out cookies at night as well. I'm sure they'll be hungry after all their raiding!" said Mrs. Coleman. "It all started with liking this Facebook post about how schools needed to re-open during the COVID lockdowns. I wound up going to a school board meeting and next thing you know, there are three unmarked vans on my street and every guy on the block is wearing a Lacoste shirt and Ray-Bans. So, I'm trying to get the house all fixed up before they come in."
Despite his protests, Mr. Coleman has again been roped into helping clean the baseboards. "Why? Why the baseboards? Every dang time someone comes over," grumbled Mr. Coleman as he worked. "At least this time, there's some chance the people coming over will be looking in the upstairs closet. Soon as this raid is over, I'm designing walls and floors that don't have baseboards. What woman started this neurotic obsession with baseboards? Some mother-in-law looking to annoy a happy couple, no doubt."
At publishing time, the FBI agents reported that the cookies were delicious and repeatedly expressed to Mrs. Coleman that it was the nicest home they had ever ransacked.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.