WASHINGTON, D.C.—Standing on the White House lawn with the black and white striped mascot next to him, President Donald Trump made it official: the Hamburglar has been pardoned of his crimes. "It's long past time a great injustice was corrected," Trump told the gathered press. "The only thing the Hamburglar is guilty of is loving hamburgers. And occasionally taking them."
The Hamburglar had been sentenced to nine years for the theft of thousands of hamburgers. He was arrested as part of a "tough on hamburger theft" movement, and many felt the Hamburglar got an overly harsh sentence due to profiling since he wore a black and white prisoners outfit, a mask, and his name is a portmanteau of "hamburger" and "burglar." There has long since been a movement to see him freed, of which Donald Trump was a member.
"Free the Hamburglar!" Trump used to chant at campaign rallies, "And put Hillary in his place!" (Trump later found out he could not "reverse-pardon" Hillary, though).
The move to pardon the Hamburglar was not supported by everyone. Thousands of Justice Department officials have decried the move, calling for Trump's resignation. Also, Mayor McCheese wrote a long letter against the pardon, though most of it seemed to be an ad for McDonald's new Bacon Smokehouse Burger.
"Me and the Hamburglar are kindred spirits," Trump said at the press conference. "And yeah, just like him, I might occasionally swipe a hamburger if no one is looking. That's not my fault, though. That's yours for not keeping an eye on your burger."
The Hamburglar himself had little to say on his newfound freedom, his only statement being, "Robble robble."
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.