Scripture
Introducing The Ultimate Bible Cover

U.S.—Christians, rejoice, for your prayers have been answered. Behold, the Ultimate Bible Cover with every feature you could ever want.

Coming in attractive colors like black, brown, American flag, and camouflage, the covers are being called the Swiss army knives of Bible covers.

"Now you won't just survive church services -- you'll thrive in them," said the cover's designer, Colby Frederickson. "You won't have to try to balance your coffee awkwardly on your knee or look for that perfect selfie angle -- the UBC will take care of that for you. You can charge your devices, keep your Chick-fil-A warm, and even produce a cloud of your favorite essential oils for you and your pew neighbors to enjoy."

The most demanded feature was a small can of pepper spray that extends on an arm and blasts people who try to greet you during a mandatory church greeting time.

Here's a complete list of the Ultimate Bible Cover's features:

  • Cupholder
  • Selfie stick
  • USB ports
  • Automatically deploying pepper spray canister for church greeting times
  • Trash bin for those tiny Communion cups, your kids' crafts, and your sermon notes
  • Heat lamp to keep Chick-fil-A sandwiches warm
  • Essential oils diffuser
  • Emergency inflatable pillow
  • Complete set of highlighters in every color known to man
  • Earplugs for when the worship band is too loud

The Bible cover will cost you $777 and take 40 days and 40 nights to ship.

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