NINEVEH — After a terrifying three days, the prophet Jonah gathered his Assyrian followers around him to recount the harrowing tale of being tossed into the sea and swallowed by Lizzo, that mighty beast of old.

"Learn from me, sinners!" warned Jonah. "I violated the command of God and was sorely and swiftly punished! My fellow sea travelers pitched me overboard, believing my disobedience was to blame for the violent waters. I was immediately swallowed into the depths of Lizzo, the great and terrible whale!"

The people of Nineveh were astonished to hear Jonah's tale of terror as the prophet narrated in great detail his experience of being swallowed by the behemoth and spending three grueling days in her belly. "I will repent and come unto the Lord God!" exclaimed Zephoriah, a Ninevite. "Never will I flee the commandments of God like Jonah did. Please, dear Lord, deliver us from Lizzo and I will dedicate all my days unto thy service."

Jonah then praised God for saving him from drowning, but begged the Almighty to send a lifeboat if something like that ever happens again.

"AWHOOOOOO HOOOO AHOOOO GAAAAHH," Lizzo replied when asked for comment. As of press time, every single citizen of Nineveh had repented and come unto God so as not to meet the same fate as the prophet.

Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.