HOUSTON, TX — Joel Osteen took the Apostle Paul to task on Sunday, calling out his awful habit of negative self-talk and overly mournful diatribes.
"God basically put Paul in the Bible to show us what not to do," said Osteen, his teeth radiating. "This Paul guy mopes around, calling himself wretched and a terrible sinner. What a downer! No wonder they beheaded the guy, he was probably making all the Romans depressed!"
Osteen admonished his congregation to be wary of falling into the ways of the Apostle Paul. "God wants to give you blessings beyond your wildest dreams - not to end up poor and in prison like Paul," said Osteen. "Never become confused into thinking that being a Christian might lead to any hardship or persecution. If it's hard or sad, you know it's bad!"
Osteen then invited every person in the auditorium to write down on a piece of paper a sin that has caused them grief or conviction. "Now listen, when you have negative feelings, you are holding God back from making your life more awesome," said Mr. Osteen. "So whatever so-called 'sin' is on your sheet, we are all committing together today to have nothing but positive thoughts about it from here on out! You tell Paul he can keep his negativity in the early church where it belongs!"
At publishing time, Osteen had released a new version Bible with all of Paul's letters replaced by Your Best Life Now.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: