WASHINGTON, D.C. — Jill Biden has formally dropped out of the 2024 presidential race, she announced today at a press conference that was supposed to be for her husband.
"I cannot in good conscience continue," the acting president said as her husband wandered around somewhere backstage.
Journalists expressed shock and disappointment to learn that not only has Joe Biden been a decrepit old man for the last three years — he hasn't even been president.
"Well, this is news to me!" said CNN's Jake Tapper. "I could've sworn she was the first lady, and that Biden was a normal person just two weeks ago."
Jill Biden said she would not seek a second term because she was tired of everyone thinking her husband was the real president. "He's a skeleton in a skin suit that has been reanimated by dark magicks to nod and smile at people. Frankly, I'm insulted no one has caught on that I'm the actual president," she complained. "I'm tired of him getting all the glory!"
Neither Jill nor her husband took any questions.
At publishing time, Jill Biden had begun working on plans for her husband's presidential library — which she would make sure was all about her.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
