U.S. — Faced with the Democratic party attempting to push him out of the nomination he already clinched, President Biden announced he would host his own "Stop The Steal" rally.
"They're trying to rig the election! I won in the primary in a landslide!" cried Biden. "We can stop this, if Obama just has the courage!"
According to sources, Biden will host the rally just outside the Democratic national convention. "It's fraud, plain and simple," explained Biden. "The election is over, now they want to add a bunch of votes in the night, steal it from me? No way, Jack! We're gonna march up there, and we're gonna tell those, those, ah -- well, anyway."
Despite Biden's protestations, Democratic party leaders have assured that the primary election isn't being stolen, it's simply being "fortified." "This will be the most secure and transparent Democratic nomination process in all of history," assured Representative Nancy Pelosi. "President Biden's contention that he already won 99% of the Democratic primary votes and that it's been in the news for months is patently ridiculous. Rest assured that I and my colleagues will tally every vote fairly. Trust us."
At publishing time, Jill Biden had been spotted wearing a buffalo hat and preparing to storm the Democratic convention.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
