COSTA MESA, CA — A local pastor was left embarrassed last weekend after proclaiming "Jesus was all about inclusion!" in his sermon, as it was later revealed he had actually been confusing Jesus with Satan the entire time.
Dan Stahlmast, the lead pastor of River of Equal Representation Church, seemed befuddled when confronted about his gaffe following the service. "Wait a minute," Stahlmast said defensively. "Are you trying to tell me Jesus would actually tell anyone what they're doing is wrong? That Jesus would consider any behavior sinful? Jesus wants us to do whatever we feel is right! Oh, wait. Or is that Satan? I'm all confused now!"
Membership at Stahlmast's church has grown exponentially in recent years due to the church's broad appeal and strict avoidance of any controversial social topics. "We're not here to suggest to anyone that there's a right or a wrong way to live their lives," the statement of faith on the church's website says. "Our church seeks to provide a broad road, free of any difficulty or correction. This is the way of Sata — I mean Jesus."
Stahlmast's sermon focused heavily on Christ's acceptance of all behaviors, lifestyles, and sins. "Everything you do is OK in God's book!" Stahlmast said. "The only places in the Bible that can be grossly misinterpreted into condemning any behavior are the Old Testament and the stuff Paul wrote! Jesus is cool with everything! Or, Satan. Wait. Which one is it again?"
At publishing time, Stahlmast had begun preparation for next week's message about Heaven and Hell, but he got hung up again on which was which.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.