NASHVILLE, TN — Seeking to be fully prepared to capitalize on any potential woke misstep by another major American corporation, Daily Wire CEO Jeremy Boreing is now reportedly setting up shop in a large warehouse full of tires, waiting for Goodyear to say something to cause conservative outrage.
"It's only a matter of time," Boreing said confidently while sitting on an enormous throne made of tires. "These big corporations can't help themselves. Sooner or later, Goodyear will put a trans woman in a commercial and I'll be here to reap the benefits. Jeremy's Tires, baby!"
Following similar successful ventures, including Jeremy's Razors swooping in to meet conservatives' non-woke razor needs and Jeremy's Chocolate as a substitute for Hershey's, Boreing is searching for the next consumer controversy. "It could come anywhere, anytime, from anyone. I've got to be ready!" Boreing was heard saying. "The possibilities are endless. Jeremy's Compression Socks! Jeremy's Feminine Products! Jeremy's Secret lingerie!"
Boreing's mind was reportedly racing so fast that Ben Shapiro and Matt Walsh eventually locked him in a dark room until he calmed down. Days later, Boreing emerged, looking disheveled and asking, "Has Goodyear had a gay commercial yet?"
At publishing time, Boreing was rumored to have settled on his next effort — boycotting Ben & Jerry's ice cream and replacing its void in the marketplace with Ben & Jeremy's, Shapiro and Boreing's own line of gourmet ice creams marketed to conservatives, with flavors called "Matt Walshmallow," "Fudge Doesn't Care About Your Feelings," and "What Is A Waffle Cone?"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
