CRESTLINE, CA — In his ongoing series of investigations into any reports of white powder, Hunter Biden has traveled to the San Bernardino Mountains of California after hearing several feet of such powder had been seen covering the mountaintops.
"I'm going to get to the bottom of this," Hunter was heard saying just before he climbed aboard a private jet bound for the Golden State. "As soon as I heard about the white powder, I knew I needed to pack up and come help in any way I can."
Regions of California have been experiencing unseasonably cold temperatures and heavy precipitation, leaving small towns in the mountains snowbound. Residents were relieved to hear that a member of President Biden's family was on the way. "We're stuck here with dwindling provisions," said Virgil Lupascu, who lives in a small mountain cabin. "Knowing that the President's own son is on his way is comforting. I'm sure he's coming to help us and has no other motives."
Prior to embarking on a rescue helicopter flight into the mountains, Hunter was seen gathering other items he would need for his expedition, including cases upon cases of small Ziploc bags, a mirror, a box of razor blades, and a large Morbius movie poster rolled up into a tube.
At publishing time, witnesses reported having heard Hunter vowing to spend as much time as it takes in the mountains to remove all of the white powder by any means necessary, even pledging help from his business associates in Mexico.
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