U.S. — In the minutes following the announcement of Chicago Cardinal Robert F. Prevost as the new Pope, Vice President Vance has reportedly already begun making plans to kill him.
"I gotta keep the streak alive," said the killer of the late Pope Francis to an anonymous source. "Murdering popes is what I do. Plus, this guy seems like a dirty communist liberal. He's got to go."
Vatican officials expressed concern after catching wind of Vance's plans, saying the United States VP has no authority to summarily execute the Sovereign Pontiff. "If Vance threatens our Pope, we will have no choice but to deploy our highly trained Swiss Guard guys who carry spears and wear those clown suits."
"JD Vance, you have been warned."
At publishing time, the Vatican had canceled its scheduled meeting with the Vice President.
Meet Andy, a completely blind umpire whose life is about to change radically.
