VATICAN — In an aerial display that delighted millions, the Vatican conclave released a bald eagle firing an AR-15 into the air to signal that an American pope had been selected.
Sources say the crowd roared as the majestic eagle soared across the sky and the sweet sounds of 5.56 ammunition cracked in the air.
"Yee-haw! We got ourselves a new Pope!" said thousands of Americans, who were also shooting their AR-15s into the air. "USA! USA! USA!"
Cardinal Pietro Parolin, who presided over the conclave, said the epic display was mandated by Pope John Paul II in 2002 to prepare for the future possibility of an American pope. "We have been told that Americans enjoy these sorts of things," he said.
Sources within the Vatican confirmed that the ceremony will conclude with a red, white, and blue fireworks display and a meal of Chicago deep-dish pizza and Miller Lite.
At publishing time, the newly elected Pope Leo XIV wowed fans by doing burnouts in his Trans-Am popemobile.
Brynnleigh is on a mission to stop America from becoming… well, America.
