NORFOLK, VA — State attorney general nominee Jay Jones was seen relaxing after a stressful day on the campaign trail by repeatedly stabbing his trusty Republican voodoo doll.
"Die! I hope you and your children die!" Jones reportedly screamed at the tourist novelty he had picked up from a New Orleans gift shop. "Aww. So relaxing."
According to sources, Jones travels everywhere with his Republican voodoo doll, treating it almost like a security blanket. He reportedly bought it back in 2022 after fantasizing about shooting then-Virginia House Speaker Todd Gilbert and wishing death upon his children. "I can't believe I got in trouble for those texts," Jones reflected. "I don't even know how to use a gun. That's why I bought a voodoo doll."
Governor Glenn Youngkin condemned Jones' actions and called on him to withdraw from the race. "It's irresponsible for any politician to wish death upon an opponent, let alone with a creepy voodoo doll," Youngkin said. "So creepy!"
Jones responded by purchasing another voodoo doll that looked suspiciously like Youngkin. "Heart attack!" he said, stabbing it in the chest with a needle.
"I've never seen someone so passionate about dead Republicans," local voter Amber Tally said. "He's got my vote."
At publishing time, Governor Glenn Youngkin had been admitted to VCU Medical Center with chest pains.
Liberal Brynnleigh witnesses a communist utopia in action!
