LONDON — According to sources, Prime Minister Keir Starmer set up a commission to discern how best to respond to the attempted beheading in Belfast. UPDATE: The members of the commission have been beheaded.
Several prominent members of parliament were reportedly eager to take part in the official Committee to Address Beheadings before they themselves were beheaded in what appeared to be a strong display of diversity as immigrants stormed the location of the commission's inaugural gathering.
The formal government meeting was interrupted in its opening minutes when, according to official transcripts, Committee Chair Blight Filmoore was beheaded during his opening statement.
"The Committee to Address Beheadings will now begi — hurk!" Filmoore said just as he was beheaded.
The Hansard reporter, who transcribes official government proceedings, dutifully recorded the event up until their own beheading, with the transcript reading as follows:
REGINALD: You can't do this!
MAN 1: Tell me I can't behead people, will you? Infidel!
[REGINALD is beheaded]
MAN 2: Come here, you!
HANSARD: Just a moment. Please let me finish this one thing. OK, finished. You may proceed.
[HANSARD is beheaded]
In all, 11 members of Parliament were tragically beheaded, which experts feared would work against the people who beheaded them in the court of public opinion.
"Now we can get someone in there that will fight for us!" said one local citizen moments before being beheaded.
At publishing time, Starmer responded to this shocking development with a televised address to the United Kingdom, urging citizens to come to terms with the "new normal" of being beheaded.
After a slight mixup, Steve, Timpani, and Britunni end up at the Alamo instead of the Alamo Car Rental. Protestors block their way out and Timpani is going into labor!
