LONDON — In an ongoing effort to balance religious freedom and public safety, the government of the United Kingdom decided to grant exemptions for committed Muslims who wish to don suicide vests for religious and ceremonial purposes.
Suicide vests had been banned for many years in an effort to keep everyone safe from being blown up. However, Parliament felt that the blanket rule created an undue burden on the burgeoning population of Muslims who wished to wear their traditional suicide vests, which they described as a key part of their vibrant cultural and religious identity.
"Look, we don't want to be Islamophobic, do we?" said Constable Twitwobble of the Metropolitan Police. "This new exemption passed by Parliament is all about respecting diversity. We can't go discriminating against anyone's culture in today's modern Britain. We've got to keep these dangerous suicide vests off the streets… unless, of course, a nice Muslim chap meets the proper religious or ceremonial exemption criteria. Then it's all above board, innit?"
The new law passed by Parliament was said to be similar in spirit to the religious exemptions that Sikhs have enjoyed, which allow them to carry swords and daggers around in public while everyone else in the UK is told they must stand idly by and let themselves be stabbed or else be labeled a bigot and disturber of the peace.
"Yes, if you are familiar with the ceremonial dagger we let Sikhs wear in public, this is no different than that," continued the constable. "We all need to just get with the program."
At publishing time, a mass casualty incident was perpetrated in downtown London by a man wearing his traditional ceremonial suicide vest.
After a slight mixup, Steve, Timpani, and Britunni end up at the Alamo instead of the Alamo Car Rental. Protestors block their way out and Timpani is going into labor!
