WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump set a new world record this week by winning the same war with Iran for the 27th time this year, shattering the previous record of one.
According to White House officials, Trump first won the war with Iran in February. However, the war started again the following week, but was quickly won, and Trump has continued winning the war multiple times since.
"No one thought we could win the war so many times," Trump told reporters. "We won it very strongly. Then we won it again bigly, and then we won it even more. Frankly, nobody has ever won the same war this many times. It's incredible, many people are saying historic, what we're accomplishing."
Guinness World Records awarded Trump with a special plaque commemorating the prestigious record for winning the most wars against the same country in a single calendar year.
"It's an honor. What can I tell you? It's a great honor," Trump told reporters as he humbly accepted the long-sought-after award. "I've been gunning for this one a long time, and it finally paid off, let me tell you. Lots of people were talking about it. They said, ‘You can't do it. No one will fight America enough.' But they weren't thinking about Iran. Iran really made this possible. The great people of Iran. I love them, but I had to keep bombing them so I could lock down this record. It's a beautiful record, and I don't think anyone will ever beat it."
News outlets struggled to keep up with the pace of developments, as the war keeps being won in more efficient fashion. "The United States has achieved total victory over Iran today, signaling — wait, I'm being told the United States has just begun a war with Iran," said news correspondent Jay Beverly. "The nations are trading strikes with no sign of any offramp, deadlocked in... ope, I'm being told the United States has just won the war. Again."
Sources from the Department of War announced they had started saving time by permanently installing a giant banner reading "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" on wheels that can be rolled out whenever needed.
At publishing time, Trump had won the war with Iran three more times.
After a slight mixup, Steve, Timpani, and Britunni end up at the Alamo instead of the Alamo Car Rental. Protestors block their way out and Timpani is going into labor!
