INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Legal analysts were stunned by the severity of the penalty handed down in the wake of a weekend stabbing incident, as former NFL player Mark Sanchez was sentenced to five more seasons with the New York Jets.
Sanchez, who was arrested following a violent scuffle with a truck driver over a parking spot that led to both men being hospitalized, would now suffer the consequences of his actions by being forced to join the Jets' roster for the next five years.
"This punishment is surprisingly cruel," said Sanchez's attorney, Samuel Kreibel. "Yes, my client was engaged in a physical altercation. Yes, he allegedly assaulted an elderly man and caused significant injuries. But sentencing him to play for the New York Jets? For five seasons? No crime is egregious enough to warrant this type of penalty."
Though the stiff punishment was met with heavy criticism, other experts admitted that the sentence would set a stark legal precedent that would serve as a clear deterrent for any other person to consider before committing a similar crime.
"We pleaded with the judge to be merciful, but it fell on deaf ears," Kreibel said. "He wanted to make an example out of Mark, and we're left paying the price for it. Our only hope is that we can get the sentence knocked down to only a couple of seasons on appeal. No human being should be subjected to serving five years as a member of the New York Jets. It's inhumane."
At publishing time, Sanchez had directed his legal counsel to suggest sending him to a prison in El Salvador instead of making him play for the Jets.
Liberal Brynnleigh witnesses a communist utopia in action!
