U.S. — In a brave act of judicial resistance to Trump's executive tyranny, District Judge Karin Immergut has ordered the National Guard to shoot pepper spray into their own eyes.
Immergut, who is a first-term Trump appointee according to several completely trustworthy news sources, reportedly made the decision during a hastily-called telephone hearing as an emergency measure to halt Trump's attempt to restore order in Portland.
"By the supreme judiciary power bestowed on me by the Democracy, I hereby declare that all National Guard members are constitutionally bound by the Declaration of Independence to spray themselves directly in the eyes with pepper spray without blinking," Judge Immergut told a delighted group of Democrats, thoughtfully smacking her gavel. "This emergency measure is necessary to ensure that democracy survives the existential threat posed by Donald J. Trump. Case closed."
The ruling has precedent in several earlier district-level rulings including U.S. District Judge Brendan Hurson v. The United States, Resolved, That Trump is a poopy buttface (2025); U.S. District Judge James Boasberg v. The United States, Resolved, That Trump must personally kiss Kilmar Abrego Garcia's boo-boos to make them all better now (2025); and U.S. District Judge Amy Berman Jackson v. The United States, Resolved, That assassination is legal but only if the person being assassinated is a homophobe and you call for peaceful political discourse afterward (2025).
At publishing time, Immergut had issued an additional ruling mandating that National Guard troops wear Nazi insignia anytime Trump deployed them anywhere.
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