U.S. — The United States of America plunged into collective sorrow and mourning yesterday upon learning the devastating news that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle would be moving back to England.
Citizens wept openly in the streets, wondering how America would be able to carry on without the charming couple.
"No! Not Harry and Meghan! Anyone but them!" cried local man Daniel Simpson. "This is like the Great Depression and 9/11 all rolled into one. I have not stopped crying and punching the wall since I heard the news. We are losing the most delightful and beautiful thing about our dear nation. Who will we even be without Harry and Meghan?"
President Trump ordered that today be a national day of mourning in recognition of America's tremendous loss. "It's so terrible. Tragic, really," said Trump in a statement. "We'd never had a prince in America before, and then we got one, and it was so beautiful. Now they're moving back to England, and no one knows why, because it's a horrible place these days. You look at the people being arrested for posting memes, very funny memes, and you can't believe it. Anyway, they're going back there, so we're going to lose a prince and a duchess, I believe that's what she's called, 'duchess,' it's a very big deal. It's very sad, I know we're all very sad about it, me especially, I'm the most sad, probably."
At publishing time, a grieving America had begged the couple to please record a new Netflix show so we could try to stay in touch with their lives.
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