CHAMPAIGN, IL - Get out the tissues - this story is sure to make you tear up. A local man has become an overnight sensation after it was revealed that he has managed to dodge the offering plate at his church every single Sunday for the past forty years.
The retired grandfather, Johnathan Downey, says he uses advanced techniques like getting up to use the restroom just before the offertory, pretending not to see the usher who is standing right next to him, and closing his eyes to feign solemn prayer until the plate passes him by. His efforts have some calling him a hero, but Downey is quick to deflect attention from himself and his noble work.
"I'm just like anyone else," a humble Downey told reporters in the foyer of his church after he managed to sneak out just before the offering. "I simply choose to put in the hard work and effort required to avoid my Christian duty to support my local church. It's not rocket science - but it does take a lot of willpower to resist the Word's call to give generously for as long as I have."
The brave saint has made a lasting contribution to the Kingdom, but he's not done yet - while Downey has already inspired his children and grandchildren to follow in his footsteps, he now plans on committing the rest of his life to helping others shirk their Christian financial responsibilities, just as he has done so faithfully for four straight decades.
What an inspiration!