JOPLIN, MO—A local complementarian man, who firmly believes and often espouses that it’s his job to protect his family and love them like Christ loves the church, made an exception to his role of leadership Tuesday morning as a “big scary spider” was spotted under his bathroom sink, sources confirmed. The man, identified as 44-year-old Ivan Rogers, immediately abandoned his deep-seated beliefs and asked his wife, Judy, to take care of the horrifying creature while he hid in the other room.
Upon spotting the intimidating spider—later found to be an ordinary household variety—Rogers reportedly shrieked and sprinted into the living room, begging his wife to kill it for him.
“I don’t apologize for my traditional understanding of the unique roles of men and women in the home and church,” Rogers said. “But hoo boy—that spider was massive. I’m just really blessed to have a wife like Judy who is willing to protect me when I abandon my principles at the very first sight of adversity.”
While Rogers told reporters that his departure from complementarianism was “a one-time thing,” Judy claims he quickly betrays his convictions on all sorts of occasions, including “when there’s work to be done around the house, when there’s a strange noise outside at night, and when it’s time to lead family devotions.”