WASHINGTON, D.C.—As scores of National Guard troops patrol the streets of Washington, the United States Secret Service has installed a bulletproof shield next to President-Elect Biden to protect him from Vice President-Elect Kamala Harris.
“We made this decision based on unique circumstances such as the ongoing pandemic, last week’s attempted coup on the White House, and Vice President-Elect Harris’ recent internet searches,” said D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser.
What started as a routine vetting procedure soon revealed a mind driven mad from ambition. Materials found on Harris’ hard drive include blueprints for sleeve guns and exploding rosaries, lists of potential patsies, instructions on how to hack pacemakers, and hundreds of love letters written to Jodie Foster.
“It’s probably curiosity, but we can’t be too careful,” said one Secret Service agent under the condition of anonymity. “If you ask me, she’s wasting her time” he continued. “Just wait 6 months and let nature take its course.”
Other security measures being taken include instructions to shoot Vikings on sight, the transferral of border fences from the US-Mexico border, and closing all small businesses in a 3,000-mile radius for the rest of the year.