WASHINGTON, D.C. — Joseph R. Biden, 46th President of the United States, has finally managed to rally the country around a common cause by dropping out of the presidential race. The move has been widely praised as the most popular action of Biden's presidency and has garnered bipartisan support from nearly all Americans.
Biden's decision to step down is polling at nearly 100% approval across the nation and has sparked spontaneous block parties and state fairs country-wide.
Judd Franklin, a lifelong Republican, said that he never thought he'd find any sort of agreement with the Democrats.
"Who'd have ever guessed that we'd find ourselves seeing eye to eye?" Franklin chuckled, high-fiving a twenty-something with purple hair who was waving a "Bye-bye Biden" sign. "But you know…sometimes things like that just sorta happen to you, you know? So long, Biden!"
While Americans are still divided on the best course of action going forward, most are pretty content to catch their breath and celebrate the quitting of the most popular president in American history.
"It's just so freeing," stated Marc Mattherson, a Democrat, in between chants of "Let's Go Brandon" with a few Republicans across the street. "He's gone like a dark cloud being dispelled by a sunny day. Free at last! Free!"
At publishing time, it is still unclear whether Biden actually quit or whether he's even still alive.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
