WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to questions that arose from his supposedly resigning from the race and going missing for several days, the White House revealed that Joe Biden would make an official statement today via Ouija board.

"Starting today, the president will answer all questions from the Great Beyond," said black and gay White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is gay and black. "This is in no way meant to suggest the President is dead or anything. He's totally alive. I just saw him a few minutes ago, I promise."

The administration made the announcement in an effort to calm the controversy that swept through the nation's capital and throughout the country after Biden posted a letter on social media notifying everyone that he was stepping down from the race. Staffers hoped allowing the President to communicate with the media through the paranormal board game would ease any lingering uncertainty about his current whereabouts and condition.

The White House clarified that a translator would also be on hand to interpret anything Biden said via the Ouija board due to the likelihood that it would be unintelligible.

At publishing time, insiders were also planning a séance to be held later in the week to clear up any lingering questions left over from the Oujia board press conference.

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