WASHINGTON, D.C. — As hope for rescuing the crewmembers of the Titan submersible continues to dwindle, President Joe Biden has pledged to honor the lives lost in the tragedy by sending another $5 billion to Ukraine.
"It's the best way to honor their lives," Biden said to reporters gathered outside the White House. "Listen, folks. These brave men took a great risk to explore the remains of the Titanic, which is why it's only fitting that we remember them by sending an additional $5 billion of taxpayer money to Ukraine. Cheesefuzzlegarbit!"
The submersible has been lost below the surface of the Atlantic Ocean for several days, with rescue efforts thus far unable to locate it. The Biden administration expressed its concern for those on board and stated the tragedy is an inspiration to continue to support Ukraine's war effort against Russia. "These men aboard the lost submersible loved freedom," said White House Press Secretary Karin Jean-Pierre, a history-making black lesbian. "You know who also loves freedom? President Zelensky and the Ukrainian military. That's why, as a tribute to the submersible tragedy, we will be sending Ukraine several submarines full of cash."
Critics of the administration were quick to question what sending more funding to Ukraine has to do with the lost submersible. "They'll use any excuse to send Zelensky more money," said Senator Rand Paul. "I'm surprised they aren't sending a few billion as a memorial for the Titanic itself."
At publishing time, President Biden thanked Senator Paul for his suggestion and announced an additional $7 billion as a remembrance of the sinking of the Titanic.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
